This side of the grass is greener

I've been sick for the past few days, which, when combined with not having school Thursday or Friday, meant that I slept in far too late and did far too few productive things each day. I was skyping my friend yesterday, and she asked if I was scared to come home. It is funny now, to be getting closer to returning, and to be having the same "I can't wait but am kind of sad" feeling that I had when I was getting ready to come here. It feels like this abstract idea: it will happen, but I have been waiting for it for so long that I almost feel like it is a fake life. The whole idea that I have even lived in Spain for the past five months also seems pretty fake... each day has felt like normal life, yet at the same time I feel like this has been someone else's life. Like I am watching myself live here, have a daily life here, be a part of the Santander community, but the real me is waiting at home in Steamboat. Which sounds maybe crazy or like I possibly have a mental disorder involving split personalities, which I might, if you ask one or two of my ex's. Really I think the best way to describe it though, and the way I try to every day when I wake up and wonder how this is possibly my life, is that it isn't normal, it isn't average, and it isn't something that can just be put into a few words. This is an experience, one of those that I'll get home and try to explain but know I won't be able too. It is just so different from life in the States, where your schedule is set and teachers have expectations (and degrees in something real) as opposed to a life where every day is different and there is nothing set or promised.

Talking about the idea of being scared to return made me realize that when I get back, I know Steamboat will be the same, but life has been going on there without me. Margaret will probably be taller than me, Emma will be going to her senior prom and then graduating, and friends will be getting married. But even with all of that, even with all the changes, the wonderful thing about returning will be that after a year of transitions, of meeting new people, and having a few weeks during Christmas with the ones who know me already, I will return to family and friends. The people who already know me and love me; that concept is so much sweeter to me now. Being away and being in a place where the closest person you have is your host mom and your skype account makes the idea of being somewhere where your real mom is a phone call away and your friends are a ten minute drive so anticipated. It is funny to think of what I am excited for: things like real classes, professors with a syllabus, normal sized dogs that aren't the size of a football, car keys, and phone calls that are unlimited and free.

But with a month left, I am already starting to worry about the things I will miss from here. Yesterday morning I was woken up by Claudia and Paula who wanted to play with my Memory board game that my mom sent over for Maria. Claudia can't pronounce her "r's" which I just figured out yesterday to be the reason why I never understood what she was saying. During the afternoon, I learned to play Rummikub (maybe you know it? it's a number game kind of similar to Scrabble) with Tete and her daughter and daughter-in-law. For the past five months this has been my life. The catastrophes of Claudia peeing in her bed, Paula having temper tantrums over the type of yogurt Tete gave her, and entire afternoons filled with board games and eating. The other day when I was leaving from babysitting Maria she said "Bye, bye my friend." which is the first civil departure we have had, since normally she gets really angry that I can't stay and decides she hates me. And stringing together four words almost made me cry because after all this time she is finally starting to speak English without being prompted too. It is that life, the pieces of the community that I have become a part of, that I will miss. And the beach, but that's a given.

The last month here will be filled with far too many classes as we try to make up for the lost hours when the Uni couldn't find a professor. It will be filled with shopping and throwing out old things, filled with eating and last minute weekend trips. And most importantly, I am going to focus on being here, not on going home. Because I really can't wait to be back in the States. Seeing everyone again, being back where life is easy and relationships are already set is going to be amazing. But this last month is all I have left here, this part of my life will be done. The part of my life that I have been dreaming about since I left Sweden in the eighth grade. How incredible it is, that I am no longer 15 and fantasizing about living in Europe. Now I am. This is real life. And this last month is it, until next time, that is :)