Wait I did what?

There are a few phrases that any person living in a foreign country should know:

1. I don't know what you are saying.

2. Where is the bathroom.

3. You are ugly/a perv/creepy, now leave me alone or I will hit you with my bag.

4. I am lost. (but do not ask for directions because even if you can ask that question, you probably won't be able to understand the response.)

5. A beer, please.

However, just responding with "Yes." is never a good idea. We visited the regional newspaper today, El Diario. On the bus, a woman asked me if the next stop was a long way away. I would like to say that I understood that immediately, but I was preoccupied with my still ongoing mental battle that going on the "field trip" was a good life decision as opposed to staying in bed. So, when she asked me, I just said "Si!" like I knew exactly what was going on. The fact that I really had no idea how far away the bus stop was had no hindrance on my response. Upon realizing that I was actually being asked a legitimate question, I told her that I wasn't actually sure how far away it was. What a help I am, right?

Saying "Yes" seems to be my go-to response to things today, because after I stopped for my post-tanning donut (yes, a tad anti-healthy but sometimes you've gotta give in.) I started limping along up the hill to my house like a real classy lady: donut in hand, beach bag falling off my shoulder in a "excuse me while I stuff my face" kind of way, shorts riding up one side of my still albino rear-end and let's just not get into the hair situation. Half way up the hill I was contemplating if it would be better to have a fake leg than to deal with trying to figure out what was going on with my inability to walk. This really pleasant mental image was disrupted by a woman screaming "NINA" over and over again. Now, I am all about old Spanish women getting in fights, as it is far more interesting than futbol. Turning around, I saw an orange haired woman racing up the hill like she was trying out for the olympic walking team (which I think there really should be.) It wasn't until everyone had stopped and was staring at me that I realized her screams were not directed at another old woman or her husband, but at me. The conversation that followed went something along the lines of (in my fabulous translation):

Orange lady: BLAH BLAH BLAH (something I didn't understand)

Me: Si?

Orange lady: BLAH BLAH BLAH (commence patting me down and grabbing at my bag.)

Me: I don't understand what is going on.... did you lose something?

Orange lady: (points at my wallet in my bag at which point I think maybe I grabbed her shopping recite in Lupa and she really wanted to keep it or something, so I open my wallet and show her and she started yelling again.) BLAH BLAH BLAH

Me: I don't have your wallet if that is what you are asking.

Orange lady: YES YOU DO THE GIRL IN THE STORE SAID YOU DO.

Me: HAHAHA WHAT. You can look in my bag if you want. Go for it. Look, I have an orange peel in my pocket. (start unloading beach bag onto steps: Cosmo, iPod, keys, athletic tape, towel, spoon, more orange peel, at which point I think she realize that I was not the person who stole her wallet or was too scared to see what else I had in my bag because she said...)

Orange lady: YOU don't have it. HMPPPPP. Who has it?

Me: Uhm, I don't know? (Oh, maybe the punk that told you I stole it? Hm? Good distraction for her to book it off with your money while I hobble around like a fool with a donut. Obviously high tailing it away from you because I stole your stuff. Good call.)

I would just like to say that I have learned my lesson and from now on will just simply says "NO SE." to every question unless I am actually paying attention to the person when they are talking to me. And I am going to be sure that the next time a crazy lady tries to go through my bag, I have a clever response ready about how I am too limpy and boring to steal her stuff and to please leave me alone and go search for someone a little faster than me.