RIP Ex-Boyfriend, and Girlfriend Appreciation Day

Today I am taking a moment to remember the lost loves of my life. Those boys that I was so desperately in love with that the total disappointment of receiving six roses instead of twelve was overlooked. The boys that I was sure were "the One" and the boys that I knew weren't but was with simply for the ability to say I had a Valentine. As I look back at the past five Valentine obtained years I am highly embarrassed to say that I can only remember one of them. Theoretically, five Valentines is pretty good for only being twenty years old. But this year, it is kind of a relief to be able to say that I don't even want a Valentine. This year I know that I won't be getting any roses but I also know that I won't be sitting around waiting and fantasizing about the perfect date that would actually never live up to my expectations.

A few of my closest girlfriends are going through breakups right now, and looking back at last July and at the sheer amount of mopping and ice cream eating that I did, I am just 100% relieved that I don't have some boy to deal with. That doesn't really flatter the male population very much, but due to recent behavior on the male part, I am just really wondering where the good ones are? Now don't get me wrong, a few of my friends have some pretty awesome boyfriends. Okay wait. Let me rephrase and say that I know one girl with an awesome boyfriend and they started dating when they were like thirteen and are going to get married. Oh, and one other one but she's graduated and is getting married in May. And he is 29. So that really doesn't count either. Let's just say that today, despite the appearance of total relationship bliss on Facebook as girls spout off statuses about how fabulous their boyfriend is, a good number of them will actually be fuming with secret rage that they boyfriend didn't pick up on the hints about the massage or necklace they wanted.

My sophomore year on Valentine's Day I was getting ready to go to State for skiing. That morning at school I received a delivery of six roses from Boyfriend One. Those six looked kind of sad compared to the 24 that Jasmin received, but still, two girls in the school were delivered roses so I wasn't going to complain... except that I was secretly pissed that her non-boyfriend gave her 24 and mine only gave me six. What is that about? Later that night, after having drive to Vail with my six roses riding along between my feet on the floor I was given a yellow rose and a chocolate marshmallow heart from a kid on our ski team. That one took the cake. If you give me a marshmallow anything you win. Gold star. So then I had roses from Boyfriend One and Non-Boyfriend Two. And that is my one Valentine's story. I shall try to remember last year's and the years before, but don't get your hopes up.

Thus, I have decided that today I will spend in thankful remembrance of ex-boyfriends. Thankful because I am not with them anymore and thankful because at one point they gave me roses today. Some girls might find today rather depressing, seeing all the couples going around kissing and pretending like they are competing for a who loves each other most award. However I would like to point out that we won't be the ones being disappointed as we go to bed tonight because no boyfriends will be failing to live up to our expectations. I have spent more than my fair share of time sitting around for days before thinking of all the adorable things "he" might be doing for me. Just yesterday, I was talking to a friend about how Macaroni Grill isn't exactly Valentine's dinner material. So then I decided maybe that was just what he was telling her and then he would show up and take her somewhere really fantastic. And so beings the utter inability for a boy to win on Valentine's. Whatever brilliant plan they have could never live up to our fantasies. Unless you are going for the all out wedding proposal with candles, roses, puppies and violins style shebang. Each year boys sit round stressing about what to do (or in some cases just forget that they should be stressing and thus forget about it all together) and girls sit around fantasizing about their perfect date. Unfortunately for boys unless they turned into famous country singers or actors with six packs and loads of cash driving really hot cars and then cooking for us in their huge house while serving us wine on their roof that overlooks the Eifle Tower, New York or such, they are at a loss. Although what fails to astound me is how boys seem to miss the hints that nearly every girl drops starting a month before Valentine's.

"Ohhh, I have always wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory."

"Ohh they are my favorite band! I think they are playing in Denver soon... I'd love to go."

"Ohhh look how gorgeous that necklace is, I love it!"

Hellooooo. The national government should put out some kind of national warning to men the month before reminding them to start paying a fraction more attention to what their girlfriends are saying the month before Valentine's, anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, etc. Gloria and I had a long conversation today about how, after a certain number of Valentine's, it is easier to just expect a piece of shit for your gift so that whatever it is that they actually give you rocks. It isn't only the American boys who seem to miss all hints dropped, because in her experience Spanish boys are just as clueless. And how many times do we hear "I didn't know what to get you..." and wonder how that could be possible when, for a month, we have been pointing out specific things we want. Alas, something just doesn't click between the hints and the present purchasing.

The main issue of Valentine's Day is that it really has no significance other than to test your boyfriend on his ability to plan the perfect date and get the perfect present. I am also anti-girlfriend given gifts because we all know Valentine's is really more of a girlfriend appreciation day. What boys plan for as a gift, girls plan for as their status. It is all about what corny and precious status you can put up after your guy takes you on "the best date ever." No girl wants to be the one who, the next day when with all her friends discussing last night says "Oh... yeah... we went to Olive Garden and he gave me dyed daisies from Safeway." Which, if it really was the best date ever, you won't be sitting in your bed one year later at a total loss of what you even did last year on Valentine's.

Now don't get me wrong, I am just as corny as the next girl. But what fun is it knowing that the only reason your guy is putting in so much effort is a holiday of girlfriend anticipation and judgement. If a guy pulled out Valentine's quality dates on a semi-regular basis I can pretty much say that he'd be the most desired guy around. Frankly, if a guy showed up at my house with a huge pizza and Coke and Disney movies and cookies that he attempted to bake and let me sit around in my underwear with a pony tail I would probably be in heaven. Not to mention if he could pull off some genuine compliments other than "You are so beautiful, you are so great, blah blah blah." Also, avoiding fighting or ruining the night with: insecurity, jealously, lack of adequate pizza or drinking the last Coke would be stellar. But there we go with my ideal Valentine that no boy would be able to think of unless I explicitly said: Hey, go to the gym and get a six pack, wear a really great pair of jeans, make me a country mix CD, bring cheese pizza and a Victoria's Secret gift card, and actually tell me something you really like about me instead of that I look pretty, and we'll be golden. Maybe that should be the solution: telling your guy what you want. But that takes all the fun out of it. Cause the only reason that sophomore year Valentine's was so fabulous was because not only did I get roses delivered to school but I also got a random extra yellow rose AND a marshmallow chocolate heart which happen to be among my favorite candy. So that lucky guess (or lack of options when at the store) resulted in the only Valentine of my recollection that was at all surprising.

So, we are doomed. Because boys will never fully live up to expectation and if they do, then the next year they are screwed because we'll be expecting something even better. And girls are set up to be left totally crushed when they get taken to Olive Garden instead of the Cheesecake Factory. Or when that little box they are hoping has the necklace they want actually has a note about how you are pretty inside of it.

As I spend this Valentine's being single and enjoying a cup of tea and a book, I would just like to say that I have a few amendmants to make to Valentine's. First: it shall be renamed Girlfriend Appreciation Day, since that's what it is and thus eliminates girls going overboard and out doing their boyfriend on the one day boys should be allowed to think they rock at planning dates on. Two: girls should be banned from Facebook for the 24 hours after their Valentine's date. Three: all single ladies should be given roses by the government and free pedicures. Four: all boyfriends should be given one get out of jail free card when they totally screw up and don't get her what she wants. And Five: today should actually be about remembering everyone you love in your life and taking an extra few minutes to tell them what you really love about them instead of just "Oh baby you are so gorgeous (yes thank you I know, I spent five hours getting ready why didn't you shave you tool.)"

And to all my fellow single ladies, if he liked it he shoulda put a ring on it, not dumped it, or lost it :) and to all you girls with boyfriends, cut them a little slack cause they just don't have the imaginations that we do. And that really isn't their fault. So tonight watch the Bachelor and pretend your boyfriend took you on whatever date Brad will take a girl on tonight. I promise it will make you forget for two hours the fact that you are secretly furious at your date. And if your guy actually pulled today off, please don't put it as your status because all of us single ladies are pretending all men suck today so as to avoid feeling sad at all. You can tell us about it tomorrow.